As a new mom, it seemed there was only two thoughts that remained constant in my mind: the condition of my child and the home. Wanting to make sure he was full and his surroundings were conducive to peace. There was less time to reflect on self except for those quiet hours in the wee morning. The times when I was able to lock myself away in the bathroom, when all were tucked asleep. Yet I was awake. This was my time to pray through my emotions, my time to cry. Let your kingdom come, let your will be done.
There were moments where I began to feel less than human, less than great. Those were also the moments I started to feel unappreciated, unloved. It’s funny how those things coupled together.
I contemplated walking out, divorce, or sometimes worse. To contemplate doing things on my own was never a good idea. Remembering the times before now when loneliness was a constant. Marriage and a baby did sound like the solution, but even after all of that, loneliness still persisted. It’s like filling up your house with a bunch of expensive furniture, while still lacking design.
Yelling at God for leaving me astray. I had to repent everyday because there was no way.
That’s when I learned how far away I was, far from knowing Gods love for me. In all my crying and weeping to God about this or that, it never occurred to me that I was the problem.
The problem: Until God becomes enough, nothing else will be.
It seems custom that in this life, in this world, we must learn to put self aside, especially as women or mothers. Always having to deal with the family and the house first, without complaint. Or make sure our spouses’ are all set before we kindle to our Father in Heaven.
It’s so often we put God to the back burner. We tend to make Him the “after thought”. When we need Him, it’s then we think of Him. It’s no wonder life is a struggle, marriage is a struggle, parenting is a struggle.
And it seems crazy to me how still, He is willing to welcome us back and provide that peace that we need in order to sleep.
It was only when I learned to put God first that everything became ‘easy breezy’. I could reply to an inquiry of “how I was doing” with that term “I am well” and actually mean it.
The lesson: Chase God, and you will find your way through it all.
Let your Kingdom come, let your will be done.
So this is the thing, the kingdom of God is not always going to be what we expect. Just know that it is better. To receive what God has for us, there lies the blessing. The one thing I came to realize upon my epiphany was my reliance on all except God. No wonder I was unable to stand. My husband. Money. The baby. These things alone have never kept a house together. It is the moment we take our eyes and focus off of Him that everything begins to fall apart.
Rest assure, allowing Gods kingdom to come will only bring light and serenity, because that is what His kingdom is. It is joy, even on a bad day. It’s deciding to have a good one. Laughter that comes immediately after weeping. It’s praise in the midst of the unknown. And thanksgiving before the victory.
